Bitter, Angry, Chip On My Shoulder????

So, the title of this post is the words that have been used to describe me by my "Family" this week.  It is actually not really mine, it is the Husband's family.  Do I think it is rude and HIGHLY offensive, YES, I totally do!!!  Do I understand why they would say this, YES I totally do....

Since we have told people how we are going about having a Baby, it has amazed me the things that people have said that we have told about the Baby.  I would think most people would just say it is wonderful news and how happy they are that we are going to be Parents.......UUUUUUHHHHHH, NOT SO MUCH!!!

I have been asked or told.....

"So, this is Jason's Baby, right??"

"So, what does the Egg Donor look like??"

"So, is this your Baby??"

"Oh, you use an Egg Donor, aren't you worried about their family history???" (This one is seriously my personal favorite because it goes to show you just how ignorant people are)

"Oh, no, you had to use an Egg Donor, oh, I sure hope your Baby doesn't have problems!"

"You shouldn't use an Egg Donor because there is no telling what you will get!"  (REALLY, this one just disturbs me!!!)

"So, what does your Surrogate look like?"  (UUUUUHHHH, what the heck does that even matter at all???)

"I sure hope this person you have carrying your Baby isn't doing drugs or eating stuff she isn't supposed."

"I sure hope this Lady doesn't keep your Baby."  (Yes, I am quite sure she is planning on keeping the Baby!, GEEZ!!!!)

Literally, these are statements that have been made RIGHT AFTER we have told these people we are having a Baby!!  I just don't understand how people can be so rude and heartless!  And, yes it is MY opinion that I think it is rude!  I guess my deal is, what does it matter???  The fact is, we are going to have a baby.  It should matter who, what, when or how it happened.  It is a BABY!!!  They aren't the ones that will be supporting her or she or taking care of the her or she.

I guess you have to walk a mile in my shoes to understand how I feel.  It is already bad enough that I can't carry a child or even have a blood relation to a child of my own, so to be asked such rude and inappropriate questions just really stabs me in the heart as I feel that people don't think this Baby is mine.  I go with the statement that just because you can birth a child of your own, doesn't make you a parent.  But, I am truly beginning to see that some people really don't believe that!  I wish people could take a step back and put themselves in my position and realize how ignorant they sound by asking such rude and quite frankly questions that are NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!!!!  For me, a dumb question deserves a dumb and even rude answer.  Maybe then, people will think how their question sounds.  At the end of the day, I am going to be a MOTHER to MY Child and that is ALL that should matter!!  

I think our IVF Doctor described to me the true definition of an Egg Donor.  He said, it is only tissue from a person that is used to create the Baby that will be yours.  Those words really have come to mean a lot to me!  Heck, my IVF Nurse told me the day we were released from their care, that she sure hopes the Baby has my eyes just as serious as ever.  For her, it was a matter of feeling that this Baby was part of me no matter if there was a blood line their or not.  She really didn't even think any other way, even though she knew our whole story. 

I do blame myself for a lot of the repercussions I have endured with people and their stupid questions though.  I chose to be honest though this whole process and not "lie" about how the Baby came to be.  The last thing I want to do is lie to my Child.  So, after much back in forth in my head, I chose to do the right thing and tell people the truth about using an Egg Donor.  I felt like I wanted people to be able to know there are other ways to be a Mom even if you do have fertility issues, BUT it really isn't anyone's business to know how we had a Baby.  Granted, it isn't like I go up to every single person I know and tell them we have an Egg Donor, but I thought I could tell our Family my feelings and not be crucified for it and questioned!   I do understand that this is all new to them and they don't know any better, but have some compassion for me at least.  Heck, say those things behind my back like normal people!  My Brother in Law describes it best by saying that people don't go around asking others how much they weigh, so why do people find it ok to ask about the Egg Donor.  I will repeat....WHAT DOES IT MATTER????  In the end, it doesn't and it just hurts that people wouldn't be more sympathetic to my feelings. 

So, the Family used Bitter to describe me.  This one is a word that I would say YES, you are CORRECT!!!  I am bitter that people all around me can get pregnant and carry their own child and then get it taken away because drugs or alcohol are more important than their Child, then turn around and get pregnant again just to have the same thing happen.  Yes, I am bitter too because people abuse or even worse, kill their own children!!  It is an endless cycle with so many girls I hear about, it makes me sick and yes, BITTER!!!  I am pretty sure I am not alone in that aspect.  So, if you would like to say I am Bitter, than sign me up!!!!!  Yep, that's me!!!!! 

The other word used to describe me was Angry.  Why yes, yes I am angry that I am unable to bear my own Children.  Who wouldn't be??  Am I the exception to the rule that I should be happy and jumping from the couch that I can't have a child from my own Baby like most women??  I think not!!  So, if that makes me Angry, than so be it.  Yes, I am angry and do not understand why this happened to me.  Sorry, that people wouldn't be able to understand that one at all!  It actually makes me more angry that people can't think how that would make me feel and how inadequate as a woman I would feel, but they sure seem to be able to judge me for my feelings.

So, this brings me to my all time favorite that was used to describe me.  It was actually these exact words, "You really have a chip on your shoulder!"  Well, yes, yes I do because I have to deal with a Family that can't even step back for ONE SECOND and think how I possibly would feel at all!!!  Yes, DING DING DING, we have a winner people!!!  So, if my "Family" really wants to insinuate that I have a chip on my shoulder, they are the reason!!  They have no idea what I feel nor do I think some of them even care.  I know they are always scared to ask anything about Baby, but this is the very reason I don't like to talk to them about it.  They just don't support me, they want to tell me everything that is wrong or what THEY think.  Well, to be honest, I don't care what they think since they aren't living my life.  I just want them to let me say and be how ever I want to be and just be there to listen, BUT that isn't going to happen with most of them, so why bother anymore! 

I mean, I wish they could see what it is like to be at Doctor appointments and not really acknowledged or even be listed on the sonograms.  I mean, it is OUR BABY!!!  I get there are all these "laws" in regards to the "patient" and stuff like that, but I still don't find it fair or right.  I mean, there is no genetic link to our Baby and the Carrier.  I know that it is her body and completely understand, but it still is hard to swallow sometimes.  I know she isn't to blame at all as she is just following the laws as well.  And, I am not blaming her or saying it is her fault at all, it is just frustrating when Doctors and Nurses barely even act like they know who you are and barely address you at appointments.  It just blows my mind that the Carrier has all the rights and power over our Child.  I mean, she literally has to sign a form giving the Doctors permission to give me information on MY BABY!!  SERIOUSLY????  I think that would make anyone feel pretty inadequate and upset to know that the Carrier has all the rights and you are pretty much helpless.  I am controlled by laws and regulations not what is right or fair.  I know it is what it is and I get it, but it still doesn't make it fair or change the way it makes me feel.  But, I also know life isn't fair and not everything in life is that way we want it either.  I am actually a very rational person and did not go into this lightly, BUT I am entitled to having my own feelings and thoughts and would think that my "Family" would be the ones to be there for me and understand things.  I should be able to voice my feelings and vent all I want and not be judged and called Bitter, Angry or be told I have a chip on my Shoulder.  Even if they don't agree, they could at least act like they do and just support me as Family should!  I know that are just ignorant to this whole process and that is some of the reason they don't understand why I feel the way I do at all. 

I am SO very happy that I have this blog to capture the good, the bad and even the ugly sides of my life.  I know I am VERY lucky to be able to have the opportunity to have a child through Surrogacy.  I know a lot of couples that can't afford to do it and would probably give anything to go through all the good and bad to have a child through Surrogacy.  And don't get me wrong, I am EXTREMELY thankful and blessed each and every day that I am fortunate enough to have a dream come true!! 

In the same token, I also want to share all my thoughts and feelings to the whole process and the feelings that I have through this.  I think a lot of times, the Parents are kind of on the back burner and don't really get to express their feelings.  I hope that me voicing my feelings will really be something that other Parents can relate to and know they are not alone, like I often feel.  This process isn't easy and it comes with many challenges and obstacles.  But, it also comes with a huge reward in the end and that is the dream of becoming a Mommy!!!  I can honestly say, this has been one of the hardest things I have dealt with in my life.  So, would I say it is all worth it, absolutely!  Do I wish more people could understand, absolutely!! 

I am very thankful that our Carrier is someone that I know will take care of our Baby and just wants us to be parents in the end.  I am glad that she has given me the opportunity to be at the appointments and know pretty much everything that is going on with the Baby.  I know that she really tries to make me feel very involved in everything.  Like I said before, she isn't the one making the laws and rules on how this process is handled.  She is doing just as I am doing and that is what the laws and contracts state.  I am quite sure she has her own set of frustrations with the process and how things are done.  But for her, she is making my dream come true!!!  For that, I am truly grateful to her.  She will always hold a VERY special place in my heart!!!   She is giving me the BEST gift anyone can give someone!!  :-) :-) :-)  It was actually kind of funny today when I saw her and she said she wanted to get me a Birthday gift and I was like, uuuuuhhhhhh, NO you are giving me a gift in about six more months!!!  I think that is BETTER than all the Birthday gifts I have ever received in my whole life!!!  She will be the BEST Birthday gift giver EVER!!!!  She wins the award for sure!!!!

So, with all this said, I can't end this WAY TOO LONG post without acknowledging the Egg Donor for donating her tissue to help create our Miracle Baby!!!  She will always be an inspiration to me and I will always have a bond with her even though I don't know her at all!!  It is nothing that I can explain myself, but I really believe it is that bond that will bring me closer to my Baby!   I know I am going to be the BEST Mommy in the world and I sure hope that one day My Baby will know just how much I wanted him or her and did whatever it took to make it happen!!!  The day I get to see my Baby for the first time, I know the all the trials and tribulations will seem VERY insignificant!   

Happy Birthday to Me!!

Well, yesterday was the BIG 3-5 birthday for me.  I can't believe that I am actually 35.  I don't feel 35 and I don't think I look 35.  At least, that is what I hope others think!!!  I mean seriously, when my Grandma was only one year old than me at 36, she was a Grandma to my Sister!  That is just crazy to me to even think that I am old enough to potentially be a Grandmother.  Thank God that isn't going to happen!!  Heck, I am barely going to be a Mom! 

So, my birthday was actually a good day.  The weather was BEAUTIFUL!!!  So, my Sister and Lily took me to lunch at East Hampton Sandwich Company in Snider Plaza.  I LOVE that Shopping Center!!  Like most of Dallas though, the parking isn't great though!  You have to circle around and around to get a parking spot and deal with the what I call the Highland Park B*tches who think they are better than EVERYONE!!  Not all of them are like that, but let me tell you, there are A LOT that do think that way!  Just go drive around the place and you will see exactly what I am talking about.  Anyways, we both had the Lobster Rolls for our meal and they were SO YUMMY!!!  I loved it and will definitely have to take the Hubby there!  After that, we strolled over to Baby Bliss.  My Sister got a gift from someone that she wanted to take back.  It was a onsie that was WAY over priced for a baby that will just spit up all over it!  So, we looked through the store at all the same stuff you would find at Babies R Us or Buy Buy Baby except it is 100% higher priced and decided on a more practical item.  But, while I was there, the BEST thing happened.  The Orbit Baby G2 Car Seat and Stroller was on sale for 1/2 off!!  SCORE!!!   I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Orbit Baby stuff, but the price is not something that I love or the Hubby loves at all!!!  So, since the G3 is now out, they are trying to get rid of the G2 much to my benefit!  So, I got an extra little birthday gift!  Doesn't get much better than that!

Baby R will be riding in style for sure with this thing!!

This is my Birthday gift from Lily!

My Sister got me these Hunter Boots and I can't wait to wear them!  I never wanted a pair until I kept reading Mix and Match Mama blog and raved about them!  Come on rain!!!

As we were walking over the Crème De La Cookie to get something sweet for Lily, I saw the Hubby walking by.  I was like, hey, what are you doing here.  He was at Nekter Juice Bar.  I found out about the GREATNESS of Nekter Bar from Alexis Bellino of The Housewives of Orange County and after doing some googling, found out they had FINALLY come to Dallas!!  YAY!!!!  I made the Hubby take me there the day before my Birthday and he really liked his juice, so decided to get one for lunch. 

For dinner, the Hubby and me went to one of my favorite restaurants, Royal Thai.  I just LOVE their food!!!  After dinner, we went across the street to Yumilicious for some froyo!  Then back home to watch The Bachelor, Vanderpump Rules Reunion Part 2 and The Housewives of Beverly Hills.  It was a pretty amazing birthday and I am so very glad to have such wonderful people in my life to share my day with.  It was one of the best birthdays EVER!!  And, I am not done with the celebrations!  I am having lunch this week with my Grandparents and a family Birthday Party this weekend.  It is going to be a great week! 

My Hubby got me a pair of Citizen jeans.  I love love love this brand!  They are seriously the best jeans EVER!!  If you don't own a pair, get on down to Nordstrom and buy a pair and you will know exactly what I am talking about!

The Hubby also got me a Goddis Poncho.  I love this brand for slouchy comfortable days!  This thing is so comfortable! (I got this a little early, so I have already worn it!)

I got a shirt to go with my jeans too!  It is SUPER comfy!!

I can't wait to wear this from my Hubby.  It is Goddis too and it is going to look SUPER cute with some cut off shorts this summer! 

We are also making progress with the house.  We now have the form boards up, the trenches dug for plumbing, plumbing going in and the electric pole installed.  It is just a few days away from getting the foundation poured.  WHOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!  If we keep going at this rate, we actually could be in before Baby gets here!!!  

Everything with Baby is great.  It was 11 weeks as of Monday, so the first trimester is almost over!!  YAY!!!  I can't wait to find out what it is so I can start buying all kinds of clothes and the baby bedding.  I also want to get the room color figured out for the new house.  Oh, there is so much to do!  It is all so exciting!!  Pretty much everyone who knows about the Baby thinks it is a Boy, so it will be interesting to see if that is the case!