Shocked and defeated

This is hopefully going to be the saddest post I will have to do....It has taken me a few days to even figure out what to say and how to start.  I am still VERY sad by the turn of events, but more than anything I am in COMPLETE SHOCK.  This was the last thing I expected to happen.  Heck, I was more concerned with having enough eggs left in the event the transfer failed.  Never in my thoughts was the possibility that not even one of our eggs would not have survived.  Yes, you read that correctly, all of our eggs died while going through the thaw. 

It all started on Tuesday when I met with the Doctor to go over our plan for the transfer.  He was concerned as well as I, about the lack of eggs.  The egg donor only produced six eggs for us to use.  This was our second attempt at an egg donor as the first one did not meet the qualifications to become an egg donor with the IVF clinic due to her lack of egg follicles.  So, the second egg donor was a successful donor, so I figured we would be all good with her.  The Doctor said most egg donors give at least 12 eggs, typically.  So, our little six eggs was very bothersome as to what would happen if we needed to do a second transfer or the possibility of siblings.  The Doctor said we should plan on only two eggs and to not get our hopes up that there would be more than two survive the thaw.  We were at a little disadvantage since we did not get to freeze the eggs as embryos since we had the issue with Jason and his surgery.  So, the plan was to have Jason's specimen at the clinic on Wednesday morning around 8am and the eggs would be thawed.  Our Surrogate, "B" would start her meds in preparation for the transfer that was scheduled for the following Monday.  That would mean the embryos would be five days old. 

So, Wednesday morning arrived and Jason did what he was supposed to do.  The Clinic called me shortly after he left and said that would need to do  Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) which they had told me earlier in the process that it may need to be done.  It really actually seems better in mind anyways, so I was totally fine with it.  "B" started her meds and we were all preparing for the transfer.  "B" and I were planning a spa day for Sunday before the transfer to help her relax and have some girl time.  She was making arrangements for her kids to stay with friends on Monday as well.  I had gone to the Arboretum for the day with My Sister and Lily and really pretty much on excited about Monday and the possibility of being a Mommy, FINALLY!!!!  Well, I got home and received a call from the IVF clinic around 4pm or so as to the progress of the thaw and Jennifer, the Embryologist said, "I just wanted to let you know that none of the eggs made it through the thaw."  She said that she did not know what happened and that nothing like that has ever happened at their clinic before.  I sat on the other end of the phone and said, "oh, ok, is that all."  I got off the phone and just sat on the couch in disbelief for a few minutes and just absorbed what I had been told.  I was CRUSHED and just started crying and crying.  I just could not help it.  To me, I felt like I had just been told that six of my babies died.   I know probably sounds crazy to a lot of you, but that is how I felt and still do to this day!  I have only talked about it with a few people and plan to leave it that way.  I FINALLY got in touch with Jason who was a little shocked too, but he was more concerned with the financial end of things and the clinic.  That is a Man for you, right there, but when he got home, he was VERY SWEET ABOUT it all and tried really hard not to focus on the money factor of this tragedy!!  At this point, I am going to keep a lot of the things going on with all things baby in our life, very quiet right and have things on a need to know basis until we are smooth sailing with a Baby!!  People may not like it, but that is how it is going to be.  I can't take telling people sad things about this Baby stuff anymore.  It is hard enough to be asked on a regular basis since we got married, when we are having kids.  People really get on my nerves!!!

Well, Thursday came and I was still EXTREMELY sad!!!  I got myself out of bed and cried some more.  I had a Dentist appointment that I had to go to and it was really the last thing I wanted to do.  But, I did it and I am here to tell you, that Dentist has the last of me after the way he acted that day.  Last time I checked, I was the patient and paying you for your services, so I think you should not be a Cocky F*CKER especially on this day!!!  Anyways, the Doctor office had called me and told me how upset they all were and they would like me to come in for an meeting with the Doctor to discuss our next plan.  They also told me they had an egg donor that they thought would be perfect for me and we could discuss that as well.  I REALLY did not want to go into that clinic at all because I was just so upset at them!  But, I decided I have to keep going and said ok.  I recruited my Sister to go with me as to not bother Jason while he had work to do.  So, after the Dentist I went to my Sister's and we went to the mall to run some of her errands and grab some lunch.  Lily loves to ride the carousel at the mall and wanted me to go with her, so this is a picture of us.  Excuse the way I look, as I had not one bit of makeup on!  I am going to have a part II of this post with the conversation with the Doctor as I have to get ready for a Birthday party of my Brother In Law.  This is going to be hard as I just know someone is going to ask how the baby stuff is going and may just cry some more.........Oh BOY!!!

Lily and LuLu at Stonebriar.  She made me smile when all I really wanted to do was cry this day!!  Thank God for Lily!!!  I LOVE HER!!!

 

 

Time to Pray......

Well, things are moving right along in the Baby World.  We went to the follow up appointment on Friday to see if "B" was ready for the transfer and to make sure her meds were working.  She had text me earlier in the week to let me know that she thought she had ovulated.  I really didn't put much thought into it since I really figured it was due to the meds that made her think that.  She called the IVF Clinic and the nurse called me right away to let me know she had called with her concerns.  She too said she really felt it was due to the meds and no other patient had ever ovulated on their meds, so I was certain that it was the side effects of the meds.  Sure enough, that was in the case when she was examined by the Doctor and the blood results indicated as well.  So......HERE WE GO!!!!!

This week is going to be pretty interesting!  I am meeting with the IVF Doctor to put a plan of action in place for the eggs since we are limited to the amount we have to work with.  I am PRAYING we only have to go one round with the two eggs that we will use at transfer.  Hopefully, the unused eggs can be re-frozen for the 2nd Journey!  I am REALLY, REALLY hopeful that we will be successful the first go and will be a Mommy come July 2014!!!  I am just certain that is going to be the case!!!  I feel the first set of good news came on Friday when B was good to go with the transfer being this month and she will get pregnant too!!! 

The initial visit with our IVF clinic was a while back, but our Doctor said that if we for sure did not want to have twins, we should only put in one egg.  Jason was VERY against this since he feels that two eggs increases our chances of success on the first try, so I am going to give in and go with two eggs for Jason.  I am going to trust that what is meant to be will be!  The thought of twins freaks me out as my life will be forever changed!!!  I mean, one changes it a lot, but two at one time, oh my!!!  I really don't care if I have one baby or two too be honest, I just want be a Mommy of a Baby or two by July!  I will take whatever God thinks I can handle, I want to be a Mommy!!!  That isn't asking too much, right??? 

Call me Veggie Queen and Mommy Wanna-B!!!

Well, I decided now is as good as any to go vegetarian.  I am NOT that big on meat anyways.  Chicken grosses me out on a regular basis.  Bite into a piece of fat and I could just puke!!!  So, even though my Husband is a smoking meat FREAK, I just can't do it anymore!!  He thinks his meat is way to good for me to REALLY stop cold turkey, BUT that is more of the challenge!  I will say that he can smoke a mean brisket, but I am just not that into meat enough to really care!  I am more concerned about his feelings more than anything.  He ALWAYS makes me try it, SO I asked him if he would be ok with me not eating meat anymore and he said he would be fine with it.  I am skeptical of this, but we shall see!!  I actually gave up meat a few years ago and I never felt better!!  I am not even sure why I stopped.  I will be a little sad to never have a cheeseburger from the best place ever, Maple and Motor, but my health is WAY more important.  I have been pinning tons of vegetarian recipes on my favorite website, Pinterest.  Between, spin class, boxing and Insanity workouts, I have NO excuse for not getting skinny and toned!!!  This is a picture of my inspiration body the first time I went to Vegas with who would be my future Hubby!! 

I REALLY want to live a healthier lifestyle and be SKINNY!!!!  I want to ROCK A BATHING SUIT YEAR ROUND!!!  I know it sounds vain, BUT I want to look good while half naked!  It makes me feel GREAT!!!  Turning 35 in February is hitting me hard as I can tell such a difference in my body over the last couple of months plus the fact that I am trapped in an old person's body as my Doctor tells me, due to menopause.  Lucky me!!! 

When I met the Hubby, I was the skinniest I have even been in my whole life and it is my goal to get back there ASAP!!!  I have about 10-15 pounds to lose and I am VERY dedicated to getting there by January.  I truly believe giving up meat is going to get me there while taking my Advocare!!  

On another note, I am SO getting excited about the possibility of Baby!  I found a due date calculator and if all goes well this month, I could be a Mommy by July 15th, 2014.  WHOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  It makes me teary eyed just typing this!  My dream could be reality in less than a year.  I want this more than anything EVER including being skinny!!!  Let's all pray hard for my dream to be reality!!! 

HOLY SH*T!!!!

Lots of things have been happening since my last post.  LOTS OF STUFF!!!!  In fact, I don't even know where to begin!!  Well......let's talk about the MOST important thing first!! 

BABY......
The contract with the Surrogate has been signed, sealed and delivered!  :-)  HA!
After some hiccups along the way with the Egg retrieval and the Husband, we had to freeze the eggs as little old eggs instead of embryos.  So, we might be in a sticky situation as the eggs are not always as viable as just eggs, but we had no other option.  The IVF Clinic kind of dropped the ball and I had to kind of go off on them in a nice way.  They literally called me the DAY they needed the Husband to come up there for his part and he had surgery and was on meds, so that wasn't going to happen.  I told the Clinic they need to give me a little more notice than the DAY OF, RIGHT THIS SECOND to come up to the Clinic.  I think they got the message loud and clear and things have gone WONDERFUL ever since.  I really LOVE the Nurse and Doctors at the IVF Clinic too! 

The Surrogate will be referred to as "B" in my postings.  And NO....It is not what you are thinking.  Her first name starts with a "B".  So.....B went to the IVF Clinic when she finally started her cycle on Friday, October 5th.  The Doctor said things looked great with her and I was SO very happy to hear this.  They told her she would start the IVF meds the next day for a possible transfer date of October 25th or 27th.  Yes......you heard that correctly.  We could be transferring THIS MONTH.  I think "B" was in complete shock as she had been kind of upset thinking she was delaying us from transfer for a couple months since her cycle was delayed, BUT that was not the case at all!!!  They scheduled her follow up appointment to look at her uterus and do a mock transfer for Tuesday, October 8th.  I had to take a cashier's check for the transfer to the IVF Clinic before the 11th, so it was perfect timing for me to go to the appointment with her!  All was well with her uterus and the transfer and we will find out at the next appointment if we will in fact be transferring on the 25th or 27th.  The eggs will be thawed on October 22nd and we will find out how many "survived" the freezing.  Let's PRAY they all make it!!  I am looking forward to the 18th to find out the dates!  After the appointment, "B" and I grabbed some lunch at Mi Cocina and caught up on our personal lives.  It was a great lunch!

Onto the next update of life.  That thing called Marriage.  It was been a little over six months since we got married and things have seriously been non stop ever since, but in a bit of an exciting way.  Sometimes a little CRAZY though!!  I need a vacation from life!!  Our wedding was featured on a blog from the place that I purchased the wraps My Girls and me wore while getting ready for the wedding.  Check it out at http://ivorysparrow.com/blog/.  I LOVE it!  So exciting they wanted to use my wedding. 

And, the last and probably the most hectic thing going on in my life right now is our house.......If you know we, you know I HATE MOVING and I don't like being controlled by anyone!!  If life isn't busy enough with the Baby stuff, we have added to the stress by building a house.  I MUST BE INSANE!!!  It isn't so much building a house as it is dealing with Jason's family that is going to do me in!!!!  I am a person that HAS to be in control and really like having some thing remain private.  That is not something that is easily done in my Family.  It isn't like I am saying it is a bad thing, but it is just not something that I am used to AT ALL and quite frankly, it really isn't normal especially when my Husband tells me to talk to Joe in regards to EVERYTHING!  I feel like I am married to Joe instead of Jason in a lot of ways!!  Don't get me wrong, I really LOVE Joe and RESPECT him more than just about anyone in my life right now.  He is truly one of the most generous men I know.  He actually reminds me SO much of my Grandpa H that is makes me sad sometimes because it makes me miss him SO much more.  On the other hand, Joe can really make me SO MAD too!!!  My Grandpa NEVER made me mad though, so that is a difference FOR SURE!!!  Joe is Jason's "Stepdad" and pretty much "raised" Jason to a degree as a teenager.  Jason has a lot of respect for Joe and his "Stepmom" Linda for both taking him on as a teenager.  He needed both of them and for that, I am more than GRATEFUL to both of them.  They are both VERY good people for what they have done for Jason's Mom and her kids.  We have to have Joe as the "Builder" to cut cost, but I also don't want to get on anyone's bad side and I am kind of over the top with the fact that I know what I want and would rather do things my way so I only have myself to blame for messing up than getting mad at someone else.  I guess I will just blame Joe for everything that goes wrong though!  HA!!  I think I could get used to that idea!

I have some issues with the house I live in now (which is normal since I did not have anything to do with it), not because it is wrong, just simply because it is a personal preference and everyone has things they do and do not like.  There are MANY things that I LOVE about the house I live in now especially the style, but there are just things I don't like about it too.  For one thing, I LOVE natural light and high ceilings, none of which I currently have.  It is like a dungeon in this place, BUT that is because Jason liked dark and he was single when it was built, so it was built for his tastes as it should have been.  Now, I am in the picture and changing things to suit my tastes.  I am a person that KNOWS EXACTLY what I want in the house and what makes me crazy.  I will be working close with Joe in all aspects of the building of the house and make sure things get done in a TIMELY manner and not drag on plus, Joe needs someone to keep him on track!  HA!!!  I am the perfect person for that!! 

I pretty much have everything I want picked out and have looked on a lot of websites for things that people don't think about when building their own house.  I have gotten tons of ideas from the different websites.  The architect is working on the floor plan I want right now and will be done in about two weeks, then we will meet again to go over the outside look of the house and where I want the windows and doors to go.  I have that pretty much figured out too.  I can't wait for tall ceiling, LOTS of windows resulting in natural light and open space.  Also, having a master bedroom on the ground floor is going to be AWESOME!!  My closet is the other thing I can't wait for!  It is going to be a room in itself.  I want my closet to be my sanctuary when I need ME time!  I hope over time, it will look like a celebrities closet.  HA!!!  It will also have a built in vanity it in along with a big window for putting on makeup in natural light.  Just thinking about my closet makes me happy right now!!  I can't wait!!  I am sure Jason is going to hate all the natural light!! 

Ok, I think I have gone on long enough about my CRAZY life, so until next time.......

 

Oh getting healthy.....

Well, since I am just in a waiting game with the Surrogate to get checked by the Doctor, I am dealing with my stress by going to Boxing class and getting healthy!  I was watching The Kris Jenner Show and she had Rocco Dispirito on and it inspired me to get his cookbook Now Eat This Diet book.  I tried this recipe for breakfast and it was AWESOME!!! 

Green Tea Watermelon Super Punch

As quoted from Rocco DiSpirito’s new cookbook Now Eat This! Diet:  “I CRAVE SMOOTHIES. I have 2 to 3 a day. Did I mention I’m forming a support group? This smoothie is one of my favorites. It’s souped up with high-antioxidant matcha (green tea powder). This one is made with yogurt, too—a wonderful probiotic food that has been shown in studies to help with fat burning. Oh, and if you suspect you’ve been unintentionally overdosing on smoothies, get help”.
Well when one reads that it is hard to not go make the smoothie!  Our Family LOVES watermelon, can’t get enough!  You all know how I feel about my matcha green tea, and my Greek yogurt so this smoothie seemed like the perfect cocktail!  Sure-fire hit!

 

INGREDIENTS:

• 2 cups ice
• 4 cups cubed seedless watermelon
• 1 cup nonfat Greek yogurt, such as 0% Fage Total
• ¼ cup fresh lime juice (I use almost fresh.  Try Nellie & Joe’s Famous Key West Lime Juice…it is awesome)
• ¼ cup agave nectar (I don’t think you need this.  Make, then add if you feel it needs to be sweeter)
• 1 cup chopped fresh pineapple
• 4 teaspoons unsweetened matcha green tea powder

DIRECTIONS:

• Toss all ingredients into a blender and blend for 5 minutes to increase volume.
• Serve in glasses with a straw.

PER SERVING: (SERVES 4)
The 411: 176 calories 0g fat/0mg cholesterol/ 22mg sodium/37g carbohydrate/1g fiber/6g protein

My Retail Therapy Adventure with My Niece, Lily!

Well, after the day from hell yesterday I decided I needed a little retail therapy!  Nothing like Northpark to cue a bad day!  I love that place and the #1 reason I love living in Dallas.  Actually, it may be the ONLY reason I do!!  I had my little Sweet Pea Lily today, so it was perfect timing.  She LOVES to shop and was literally running to the garage door to get in the car and GO!!! 

Anyone who knows me, knows I LOVE clothes, shoes, Louis Vuitton purses and makeup so when I decided to quit my job I REALLY had a hard time with it because I knew I would have to be on more of a budget than I want to be.  Hey, you can't change a person and their ways.  Besides, I do recall my wedding vows in which My Husband said and I quote, "Happy Wife, happy life."  I was sure to have our Wedding Minister send me over our vows, so I can remind him of that!!  My Husband on the other hand is the tightest person I know and ALWAYS looking for the BEST deal, so I knew it would be hard not work my full time job and still keep up my lifestyle.  It will be an ongoing issue for sure in our house, but I am up for the challenge!! 

So, anyways off to the Mall Lily and I went.  I was actually going to Dillard's to return a wedding gift and exchange it for something else off of our registry. See, I had a valid reason for going!!  After I walked around Dillard's home department for what seems like forever saying to Lily the entire time, "Don't touch that", I finally figured out what I was going to get and then we worked our way to the sale racks of Dillard's workout clothes to get some more outfits for my Boxing Classes.  I believe you MUST look cute when doing any type of workout outside of the house!  The Lady at the cash register asked how old Lily was and I told her two and she was SO amazed at her vocabulary and thought she was way older than two.  If she only knew!!! 

After that, it was lunch time for Lily and it is NEVER a good idea to have a hungry kid at the mall, so off to La Madeleine we went.  I LOVE that place and rarely go there anymore since I worked at home the last three years and ate at home.  That was good for the pocketbook for sure!!  Lily was SO good at lunch.  She sat in her booster seat like a Little Lady eating her lunch and I was SO proud of her!! 

Lily was being SO good that I decided I wanted to go look for part of an outfit I saw on Pinterest that I MUST have!!  If you aren't on Pinterest, you are missing the boat!!  Love it!!!  It is a great way to pass the time away!  Ok, anyways, so Victoria's Secret was on the way to Loft and I needed some headbands to match my workout outfits, so we stopped in to pick some up and Lily INSISTED on carrying the bag around the mall.  One Lady even asked me what I could have possibly bought her from there.  It was kind of funny!!  Well, while on the way to Loft, Lily starts yelling, "The Easter Bunny, the Easter Bunny, LuLu's."  I see a brass Bunny in the air and knew we were going to have to stop!  Lily is OBSESSED with the Easter Bunny and any Bunny what so ever is The Easter Bunny.  She told me I had to take her picture with the Easter Bunny, so this is what I got because she was SO excited she wouldn't stay put!

She is SO beyond excited!!!

 

This is her picture with the actual Easter Bunny this past year.  I swear the kid has NO fear!!!

My Sister said she was so excited to see the Easter Bunny she fell down running so fast just to get to him!

 

After the fun of the "Easter Bunny", we finally made it to Loft to look for my outfit.  I didn't find anything that looked liked what I wanted, so we left and went to H&M.  I have FINALLY learned that store just is not meant for me and quickly left!  I KNEW J Crew would have what I wanted, so we went there.  Sure enough, they had EXACTLY what I was looking for along with a price tag I wasn't.  So, it was off to my go to store for this type of thing, Banana Republic.  After looking through the store, I saw something that just might work, so off to the dressing room we went.  Lily entertained herself with my headbands from Victoria's Secret while I decided on the size of my jacket that fit me the best.  It was quite a decision too!!  Here is a picture from Pinterest of the outfit I am OBSESSED with duplicating and REALLY looking forward to fall so I can wear it.

It's the outfit I love, not the watch and purse!!  I need to find the jeans next, but I want to wait until I loose some more weight from my Boxing classes.  I also need a boyfriend cut to pull off the rolling of the cuffs on the jeans.  Maybe my True Religion jeans will work though.  That is the jean type pictured.  I shall try those and save money too!!  YAY, my Husband will be SO happy!!  Here is the jacket I bought at Banana...

The jacket isn't exactly the look and color I wanted, but it was ON SALE for a steal of a deal, so I can make it work.  It is also 3/4 sleeved and VERY stretching, so I really like both of those things.  This is going to look SO cute with a white tee and rolled up True Religion jeans along with my heels.  I can't wait to wear my outfit.  BRING ON FALL!!!!! 

Well, after I found what I needed at the Mall, it was time to head home.  This is what happens to a kid after shopping with Aunt LuLu....

Love her SO much!!!  She was a TROOPER!!!

 

One of those days!!

Today has been a VERY challenging day for me.  I am starting to feel VERY overwhelmed with ALL the things going on in my life.  I really thought when I left my job, I would have WAY more time on my hands, but I was WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!  It seems that I am busier than when I was working my full time job.  I guess it is a good thing to pass the time by fast though.  I am trying to have some me time by going to boxing class.  Let me tell you, it is definitely a good way to take out pent up frustration for sure.  I kind of look forward to my classes and find that I don't have as good of days when I don't go to a class.  I want to work my way to a KILLER body!!  I think it is going to do the trick!  Well, anyways, back to my horrible day.....

It all started when the dogs decided they needed to go out at 1am this morning.  I KNEW it was going to be a bad day from that moment on!  I figured I better get up with them so the Husband could sleep since I don't have to go to work anymore.  So, not getting enough sleep and thinking about all the things I need to get done was just too much to handle today.  I THINK we just might have the contract for the Surrogacy ready to sign.  MIRACLE!!  Who knew a contract could be so full of literal nonsense.  :-)  It really amazes me that so much stuff has to be put into a contract because of people that aren't honest.  I guess I just can't understand why anyone would take advantage of someone who is helping two people out with the miracle of a child.  I don't think I can ever wrap my brain around horrible advantage takers.  Anyways, 29 pages later, we have all the legalities set for us and the Person that will carry our sweet little Baby.  It feels like it has only take 100 years to get this thing going and I am VERY thankful it is completed for the most part.  We just need the signatures of all Parties, but first the Surrogate needs to get checked out my the Reproductive Endocrinologist. 

Well, that is another story in itself since she actually did that yesterday only to be told to come back when she got her cycle.  UUUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!  Such a waste of her time.  Why didn't they just tell her that from the beginning when she asked them if she needed to be???  HELLO PEOPLE!!!!!!  So, we will just wait until that day and go from there.  Let the waiting begin.

Onto the other stressful part of my life is the need to find a lot to build our house ASAP!!  I have been dealing with a Builder on a lot that he has in our desired Neighborhood, but the back and forth with him is RIDICULOUS!!  He of course tells us in the beginning he will sale us the lot I want only to later tell us he won't unless HE gets to build the house.  So, we are negotiating his ASTONOMICAL fee to just over see the project.  I just keep trying to get him to understand the urgency in the situation, but I don't think he gets it.  In the mean time, I will just keep editing the floor plan for the house which is a nightmare in itself. 

I guess that is all for now.  I think it is time for wine!