So, the title of this post is the words that have been used to describe me by my "Family" this week. It is actually not really mine, it is the Husband's family. Do I think it is rude and HIGHLY offensive, YES, I totally do!!! Do I understand why they would say this, YES I totally do....
Since we have told people how we are going about having a Baby, it has amazed me the things that people have said that we have told about the Baby. I would think most people would just say it is wonderful news and how happy they are that we are going to be Parents.......UUUUUUHHHHHH, NOT SO MUCH!!!
I have been asked or told.....
"So, this is Jason's Baby, right??"
"So, what does the Egg Donor look like??"
"So, is this your Baby??"
"Oh, you use an Egg Donor, aren't you worried about their family history???" (This one is seriously my personal favorite because it goes to show you just how ignorant people are)
"Oh, no, you had to use an Egg Donor, oh, I sure hope your Baby doesn't have problems!"
"You shouldn't use an Egg Donor because there is no telling what you will get!" (REALLY, this one just disturbs me!!!)
"So, what does your Surrogate look like?" (UUUUUHHHH, what the heck does that even matter at all???)
"I sure hope this person you have carrying your Baby isn't doing drugs or eating stuff she isn't supposed."
"I sure hope this Lady doesn't keep your Baby." (Yes, I am quite sure she is planning on keeping the Baby!, GEEZ!!!!)
Literally, these are statements that have been made RIGHT AFTER we have told these people we are having a Baby!! I just don't understand how people can be so rude and heartless! And, yes it is MY opinion that I think it is rude! I guess my deal is, what does it matter??? The fact is, we are going to have a baby. It should matter who, what, when or how it happened. It is a BABY!!! They aren't the ones that will be supporting her or she or taking care of the her or she.
I guess you have to walk a mile in my shoes to understand how I feel. It is already bad enough that I can't carry a child or even have a blood relation to a child of my own, so to be asked such rude and inappropriate questions just really stabs me in the heart as I feel that people don't think this Baby is mine. I go with the statement that just because you can birth a child of your own, doesn't make you a parent. But, I am truly beginning to see that some people really don't believe that! I wish people could take a step back and put themselves in my position and realize how ignorant they sound by asking such rude and quite frankly questions that are NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!!!! For me, a dumb question deserves a dumb and even rude answer. Maybe then, people will think how their question sounds. At the end of the day, I am going to be a MOTHER to MY Child and that is ALL that should matter!!
I think our IVF Doctor described to me the true definition of an Egg Donor. He said, it is only tissue from a person that is used to create the Baby that will be yours. Those words really have come to mean a lot to me! Heck, my IVF Nurse told me the day we were released from their care, that she sure hopes the Baby has my eyes just as serious as ever. For her, it was a matter of feeling that this Baby was part of me no matter if there was a blood line their or not. She really didn't even think any other way, even though she knew our whole story.
I do blame myself for a lot of the repercussions I have endured with people and their stupid questions though. I chose to be honest though this whole process and not "lie" about how the Baby came to be. The last thing I want to do is lie to my Child. So, after much back in forth in my head, I chose to do the right thing and tell people the truth about using an Egg Donor. I felt like I wanted people to be able to know there are other ways to be a Mom even if you do have fertility issues, BUT it really isn't anyone's business to know how we had a Baby. Granted, it isn't like I go up to every single person I know and tell them we have an Egg Donor, but I thought I could tell our Family my feelings and not be crucified for it and questioned! I do understand that this is all new to them and they don't know any better, but have some compassion for me at least. Heck, say those things behind my back like normal people! My Brother in Law describes it best by saying that people don't go around asking others how much they weigh, so why do people find it ok to ask about the Egg Donor. I will repeat....WHAT DOES IT MATTER???? In the end, it doesn't and it just hurts that people wouldn't be more sympathetic to my feelings.
So, the Family used Bitter to describe me. This one is a word that I would say YES, you are CORRECT!!! I am bitter that people all around me can get pregnant and carry their own child and then get it taken away because drugs or alcohol are more important than their Child, then turn around and get pregnant again just to have the same thing happen. Yes, I am bitter too because people abuse or even worse, kill their own children!! It is an endless cycle with so many girls I hear about, it makes me sick and yes, BITTER!!! I am pretty sure I am not alone in that aspect. So, if you would like to say I am Bitter, than sign me up!!!!! Yep, that's me!!!!!
The other word used to describe me was Angry. Why yes, yes I am angry that I am unable to bear my own Children. Who wouldn't be?? Am I the exception to the rule that I should be happy and jumping from the couch that I can't have a child from my own Baby like most women?? I think not!! So, if that makes me Angry, than so be it. Yes, I am angry and do not understand why this happened to me. Sorry, that people wouldn't be able to understand that one at all! It actually makes me more angry that people can't think how that would make me feel and how inadequate as a woman I would feel, but they sure seem to be able to judge me for my feelings.
So, this brings me to my all time favorite that was used to describe me. It was actually these exact words, "You really have a chip on your shoulder!" Well, yes, yes I do because I have to deal with a Family that can't even step back for ONE SECOND and think how I possibly would feel at all!!! Yes, DING DING DING, we have a winner people!!! So, if my "Family" really wants to insinuate that I have a chip on my shoulder, they are the reason!! They have no idea what I feel nor do I think some of them even care. I know they are always scared to ask anything about Baby, but this is the very reason I don't like to talk to them about it. They just don't support me, they want to tell me everything that is wrong or what THEY think. Well, to be honest, I don't care what they think since they aren't living my life. I just want them to let me say and be how ever I want to be and just be there to listen, BUT that isn't going to happen with most of them, so why bother anymore!
I mean, I wish they could see what it is like to be at Doctor appointments and not really acknowledged or even be listed on the sonograms. I mean, it is OUR BABY!!! I get there are all these "laws" in regards to the "patient" and stuff like that, but I still don't find it fair or right. I mean, there is no genetic link to our Baby and the Carrier. I know that it is her body and completely understand, but it still is hard to swallow sometimes. I know she isn't to blame at all as she is just following the laws as well. And, I am not blaming her or saying it is her fault at all, it is just frustrating when Doctors and Nurses barely even act like they know who you are and barely address you at appointments. It just blows my mind that the Carrier has all the rights and power over our Child. I mean, she literally has to sign a form giving the Doctors permission to give me information on MY BABY!! SERIOUSLY???? I think that would make anyone feel pretty inadequate and upset to know that the Carrier has all the rights and you are pretty much helpless. I am controlled by laws and regulations not what is right or fair. I know it is what it is and I get it, but it still doesn't make it fair or change the way it makes me feel. But, I also know life isn't fair and not everything in life is that way we want it either. I am actually a very rational person and did not go into this lightly, BUT I am entitled to having my own feelings and thoughts and would think that my "Family" would be the ones to be there for me and understand things. I should be able to voice my feelings and vent all I want and not be judged and called Bitter, Angry or be told I have a chip on my Shoulder. Even if they don't agree, they could at least act like they do and just support me as Family should! I know that are just ignorant to this whole process and that is some of the reason they don't understand why I feel the way I do at all.
I am SO very happy that I have this blog to capture the good, the bad and even the ugly sides of my life. I know I am VERY lucky to be able to have the opportunity to have a child through Surrogacy. I know a lot of couples that can't afford to do it and would probably give anything to go through all the good and bad to have a child through Surrogacy. And don't get me wrong, I am EXTREMELY thankful and blessed each and every day that I am fortunate enough to have a dream come true!!
In the same token, I also want to share all my thoughts and feelings to the whole process and the feelings that I have through this. I think a lot of times, the Parents are kind of on the back burner and don't really get to express their feelings. I hope that me voicing my feelings will really be something that other Parents can relate to and know they are not alone, like I often feel. This process isn't easy and it comes with many challenges and obstacles. But, it also comes with a huge reward in the end and that is the dream of becoming a Mommy!!! I can honestly say, this has been one of the hardest things I have dealt with in my life. So, would I say it is all worth it, absolutely! Do I wish more people could understand, absolutely!!
I am very thankful that our Carrier is someone that I know will take care of our Baby and just wants us to be parents in the end. I am glad that she has given me the opportunity to be at the appointments and know pretty much everything that is going on with the Baby. I know that she really tries to make me feel very involved in everything. Like I said before, she isn't the one making the laws and rules on how this process is handled. She is doing just as I am doing and that is what the laws and contracts state. I am quite sure she has her own set of frustrations with the process and how things are done. But for her, she is making my dream come true!!! For that, I am truly grateful to her. She will always hold a VERY special place in my heart!!! She is giving me the BEST gift anyone can give someone!! :-) :-) :-) It was actually kind of funny today when I saw her and she said she wanted to get me a Birthday gift and I was like, uuuuuhhhhhh, NO you are giving me a gift in about six more months!!! I think that is BETTER than all the Birthday gifts I have ever received in my whole life!!! She will be the BEST Birthday gift giver EVER!!!! She wins the award for sure!!!!
So, with all this said, I can't end this WAY TOO LONG post without acknowledging the Egg Donor for donating her tissue to help create our Miracle Baby!!! She will always be an inspiration to me and I will always have a bond with her even though I don't know her at all!! It is nothing that I can explain myself, but I really believe it is that bond that will bring me closer to my Baby! I know I am going to be the BEST Mommy in the world and I sure hope that one day My Baby will know just how much I wanted him or her and did whatever it took to make it happen!!! The day I get to see my Baby for the first time, I know the all the trials and tribulations will seem VERY insignificant!
